Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I think my vagina is haunted
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
