Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
