So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
