Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
