My boss' voice literally gives me gas
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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