He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
