Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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