at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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