either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
