Walk of Shame. In a state park.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
