I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
