so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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