I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
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