I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
