You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Someone shattered a urinal.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
