i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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