Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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