she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
