Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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