I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
