she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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