Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize