he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
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