woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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