we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
