tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize