There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
