Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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