So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
