i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Randomize
