I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
