I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
