Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize