I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
