just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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