I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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