So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
