If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
