I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
