Your tits are I can't wait for
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Randomize
