They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
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