A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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