i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
