So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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