all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
