i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I will pee on everything he values.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
