I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
