your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
