Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
it's great music for shaving your balls
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize