My Higher Power is John Stamos
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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