we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
