How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
