What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
