I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
