the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
