What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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