i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
