shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
