Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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