You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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