You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
and she was petting her beer can
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
