Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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