i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
