the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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