i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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