and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I just googled if crying burns calories
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Randomize
