can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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